Hope

It can be pretty depressing graduating in a recession ... it's even more depressing when you learn that you won't be graduating quite on schedule. I've been in quite a funk over the past few weeks and I imagine I'll be floating in and out of that same funk over the next few weeks as well but for the moment I'm actually starting to feel good about the future.

My summer classes are almost over now and I'm getting ready to move out of this horrible student apartment (nothing is ever quite as bad as student housing) - granted I'm moving back in with my Mum for a bit but that won't be forever and it'll be nice to be near family and friends for a bit, not to mention I'll be closer to Banana #2's work - should get me somewhere around 4 extra hours a weekend with him :D But what I'm really starting to get excited about is my upcoming job hunt.

Everybody is telling me to find whatever little job I can and go from there but I'm determined to try and find the best job I can right from the beginning - how can you ever find a good job if you've already settled before you even start looking? So I've set my sights on finding a job in a publishing house and so far I've found some pretty interesting possibilities. Tomorrow and Tuesday I'm going to start doing some informational interviews with a couple of the companies and I might even have found a lead into one of the publishing houses already and better still it's probably the one that I'm most interested in.

We'll see how things go but for now, well, hope floats and I'm up there floating along on top of it!

Wish me luck!!

Vital Statistics

Pauline from Writing Down the Words recently took part in a new meme making the rounds and asked "who's next?" and I decided to take up the challenge :)

I drive...

Nothing yet, I'm just learning to drive and Banana #2 is teaching me on his Nissan Skyline. It's a standard sportscar - not easy to learn on but lots of fun!

If I have time to myself...

I like to listen to music and stumble around on the internet. I love the sense of community that can be found online.

You wouldn't know it but I'm very good at...

Knitting and sewing though I hardly get the chance to do either anymore.

I'm no good at...

Getting stuff done on time. I procrastinate like crazy but I take solace in the words of Douglas Adams "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

Books that changed me...

The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien
Jeremy Thatcher the Dragon Hatcher by Bruce Coville
The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran
Philadelphia Fire by John Edgar Wideman
Refuge by Terry Tempest Williams
Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
Heralds of Valdemar Trilogy by Mercedes Lackey
and just about every book by Tamora Pierce
more than individual books though I've been changed by individual poems:
Invictus by W.E. Henley
Ulysses by Alfred Lord Tennyson
Dark Pines Under Water by Gwedolyn MacEwen

Movie heaven...

Lord of the Rings
Harry Potter
Waking Life
Pride and Prejudice
That Darn Cat
Funny Face
You've Got Mail
Annie Hall
Atonement
Oscar
Young Frankenstein
Blazing Saddles
Juno
Up
Ballet Shoes
Elizabeth
Ever After
Runaway Bride
and on and on and on

Comfort eating...

Chocolate
Mashed potatoes
Home-made macaroni and cheese
Cake

When I was a child, I wanted to be...

Either a traveller/adventurer/explorer or a writer - I suppose this is why I'm attracted to writing fantasy literature - there are no new worlds to discover and explore so I decided to create my own.

All my (spare) money goes on...

Eating out mostly, we eat out way more than we should. I also like scratch and win tickets and have to pay to do laundry and then there's always that crippling debt to pay off :S

At night I dream of...

Bizarre things. Major themes in my dreams include ravens, crocodiles and nature - mostly forests, lakes, and rivers although I did have an interesting dream that took place in Australia a couple of nights ago.

My favourite buildings...

The Royal Ontario Museum pre-glass-monstrosity, my family's cottage, Champlain College at Trent University

My biggest regret...

Honestly, I can't think of any great regrets. I'm tempted to say deciding to go to university but if I hadn't gone I wouldn't have met Banana #2 or a number of friends so despite the fiasco it turned out to be it has all been worth it.

If I wasn't me I'd like to be...

Someone alive hundreds of years ago when there were still blank spaces on the map.

My favourite works of art...

Fantasy art. Mostly stuff I find stumbling around on the internet.

The current soundtracks of my life...

Built for the Sea
Louis Armstrong
Florence and the Machine
Meiko
Jessica Paige
Reina Boone
all of these artists are on thesixtyone.com - you can check out my favourite songs on there under PAN33

The best inventions ever...

Chocolate, paper, and indoor plumbing are all pretty high up on my list, I'm also rather fond of "moving pictures" - I do love the silver screen :)

So - who's next?

The Thing That Eats

Warning: The following account of my last few miserable days might be too graphic for people with delicate stomachs - it really isn't all that bad, but just in case, I warned you.

I have become the thing that eats and is never full... at least over the last couple of days. I forgot to have dinner on Sunday and then Monday morning I skipped breakfast because I wasn't feeling well and I was in a hurry to catch the bus. I was later grateful that I skipped breakfast because I spewed the entire contents of my stomach all over the bus and then when the driver pulled over, all over the grass as well - thank you motion sickness. I arrived at school, had my brief meeting about my options for the FUTURE (AKA how in the bloody hell am I going to finish my degree now?!) and then joy of joys, rode the bus home. Now at home and feeling thoroughly sick I crawled into bed and did not again arise for several hours. When I did finally get up I made a brave attempt to eat some food which did not go well and once again retreated to my bed for the night.

So now it is Tuesday morning and I wake up feeling ill, probably because I'm hungry but alas because I'm feeling ill the sight of food makes me feel even more ill. Nonetheless, I am aware that I need to eat so I decide to go with something simple and mushy and have some applesauce. At this point I decided to stop at one applesauce snack because now I was REALLY feeling ill and mere minutes later I was flushing the apple sauce I had just eaten down the toilet.

At this point I decide the day is not worth it, take some advil and tylenol and head to bed (I have failed to mention that throughout all this I have been suffering from a very persistant headache - I went to bed with it and I woke up with it). I wake up later in the day and since I am feeling slightly better I venture to eat something real (a broccoli and cheese stuffed breaded chicken breast). It was delicious and I ate it all. But I still wasn't feeling quite full so I ate some soothing arrowroot crackers/cookies (I never really know what they are, only that they are made for babies and I like them when I need comfort food).
Still later in the day I'm feeling that familiar hungry in the stomach feeling so I have a thing of applesauce. Now it is technically Wednesday morning and I'm so hungry/pain in the stomach/feeling very ill again that I have opted to eat some vanilla yoghurt and pray that puts things back to rights. I am the thing that eats and is never full ... somebody save me.

Graduating From Rock to Hard Place

In my About Me section I wrote that I'm on the verge of graduating into life ... now I'm trying to figure out if that graduation has occurred or not. See, when I wrote that I was thinking about my literal graduation from university. I guess I based it on that idea that the "real" world begins where university ends, the thing is, I didn't graduate from university on Wednesday - and I'm devastated.

Just before Christmas I went to see the doctor and was diagnosed with insomnia - big surprise (you kind of know when you have insomnia, you know). Anyway, after the Christmas break I went into see my senior tutor and informed him of the situation and asked for help. Over my final semester I met with my senior tutor more than 10 times, he wrote me leniency letters for my professors, I withdrew from a course late under the advisement of my professor in that class and my senior tutor - everything to no avail. 11% has just kept me from graduating. Two courses, two professors, one department has kept me from graduating. Did I pass the courses? Yes I did. Did I get 60% in them? No I didn't - and apparently that's all that matters. Nevermind that I was sick, nevermind that I did everything I possibly could during the semester to keep my head above water and do the best that I could, nevermind that I was willing to do any extra work over the summer to bring those two grades up to 60% - it would "set a precedence" apparently and that's just to big a risk - imagine being known for being understanding, for helping students, for judging issues on a case by case basis.

So here I am - I should have graduated and I didn't. I now need only two courses and I have no money left to take them - no money left for tuition and certainly no money left for rent and food. So I now need to take a year off and work in some miserable job that makes my brain shrivel up and then go through the absolute Hell that was university again for another whole year. Do I do this? Do I put myself through this Hell again? Do I have a choice? Without a degree all I have is a high school diploma and these days that's not worth much - hell, these days a degree isn't worth all that much either.

There are just so many issues. I really hate university and the prospect of having to go back in a year makes me feel physically ill. Since I've been in university I've had one definite breakdown which landed me in the counselling office, numerous panic attacks and the irony of ironies, I've lost the ability to sleep at night - the exact problem that's landed me in this situation. Then there's the issue of the year in between - it's basically a wasted year. The odds of getting a good job that I actually enjoy are miniscule and then what if I do get such a mythical job - am I supposed to quit it after one year and return to Hell so that I can get a degree that will enable me to get a good job that I will enjoy? That makes sense. If I follow this plan, I delay my life by two years and not just my life but Banana #2's life as well - our life together. I was supposed to be looking for a job now so that we could save for our wedding next year, but I can't save for both a wedding and school. We can't start saving for a really nice apartment or house. And there's also the little matter of getting help fixing whatever the hell is causing my insomnia and panic attacks - yes school and stress contribute but there has to be more to it than that. I need to get driving lessons. There are just so many things now that I have to put off and all because of 11% and bureaucracy.

And I think I could deal with this if I was a bad student, if I genuinely didn't understand the works we were studying but I've never had problems with that. My problem was that I developed insomnia heading into my final semester and all my classes were at 9am. And I think I could deal with all of this even, with them saying they can't do anything to help me out because they have to think about the "integrity of the degree" if I believed that every other person that got a degree actually deserved it. But I kid you not, in one of my English Literature classes, in a university lecture, the professors felt the need to take time out and explain the difference between "its" and "it's" because so many people had confused the two on their last papers. People are getting degrees who don't even know basic English grammar and they're citing "the integrity of the degree" to me as the reason they can't and won't give me a break ... needless to say I'm a little bitter at the moment.

But even more than I'm feeling bitter at the moment, I'm feeling lost. I have no idea what do with myself over the next couple of years. Do I settle for working some miserable job for a year so that I can earn enough cash to finish my degree the following year? Do I say the hell with it and try and get a genuinely good job and forget about the degree? Do I try and save for school and the wedding or do we push the wedding back again? And where in all this do I enjoy life?

I haven't graduated university but I'm fairly certain I just graduated into "real" life. The question is - where do I go from here?