You Can't Go Home Again

It’s taken me twenty-two years but I think I finally do understand that you cannot go home again. It’s amazing what an impact that one small fact can have on your life ... how much one simple concept, the idea of home, can impact your choices and goals, your dreams for the future and the ones you have at night.

I wonder how much we idealize this concept of home – is it wise, to idolize this place to where you can never return? Not to get too philosophical but I wonder if that’s really what Heaven, Nirvana, The Summerland really is – just home – this perfect little vision of home that we all hold in our hearts and memories.

I haven’t felt like I’ve really had a home for several years now, but when I think about what home means for me, I think of it as a safe place. Some haven, a place to where we can retreat and just be ourselves and feel whatever it is we need to feel.

At twenty-two you can feel like all you are is emptiness and you spend half your time trying to figure out what exactly is in all that nothingness. There’s not being in your ideal career – not knowing what it is you want to do for the rest of your life; there’s not having your own place, or having a partner yet to share your life with; there’s not being pregnant and getting to share all the joy and pain that accompanies that miracle of carrying new life inside of you; and for many twenty-somethings there’s a loss of home.

You have a shelter, maybe you live with your family, you may even live in the same house you grew up in while you figure things out – but it really isn’t the same house at all. It’s not yours anymore and it never will be. Now you need to set out into the world and seek your own place, a place where you can settle down and build a home to call your own. And at twenty-two that seems like quite the daunting task, but I know now there’s comfort in that venture as well.

It’s true, you cannot go home again – but you can create a new home just for you.

Avatar

Words cannot express the glory that is this movie. I just saw it and let me tell you it blew me away. Just spectacular. I was originally going to wait to write this post until I had had time to calm down a bit and sleep away a bit of my excitement but I just can't wait to tell you how great this movie really is. My hands are shaking that's how good the movie is.

Now I know what you're thinking, "yeah yeah, I'm sure it's great but it's in 3D which usually sucks...etc etc."

You HAVE to go see it in 3D! When people talk about how this is a new breed of 3D movie - how this movie will change the face of the cinema in the same way that Talkies did and technicolor they are not lying or even exaggerating. I have never been a fan of 3D movies but I am telling you I was ducking out of the way of things in my seat. I was reaching out to touch things that were between me and the screen.

And what a movie to put into 3D - fantasies were made for this new .. new .. I don't even know what to call it .. new genre of film. It is so hard when you are creating an entirely new world to take people there, to really get them to see it and believe it, and when you're reaching out to touch these new magnificent plants that you've never seen or imagined before - you're there. This movie was like a dream come true for me. All my life I've wanted to experience a new world - when I was a child I wanted to be an explorer and at the very least discover an island never before seen by man. I decided that I wanted to be a fantasy writer so that I could create new worlds and share this passion, this desire that circulates through my very being with other people ... and this movie did that for me. It actually took me to a new world, a beautiful beautiful new world.

Go see it. Go experience it. You won't regret it. Your imagination will thank you.

Life Happens

So I promised to give a life-updating post in the near future and as I can't sleep at the moment (that's what comes of going to bed at 8 o'clock) it would appear that the future is here.

First off, I may have mentioned this once already but graduation did not happen for me. I am a few credits shy of my degree and currently so sick of school and all that "higher education" nonsense that I may never go back. At least it's unlikely I'll be returning to university - college on the other hand seems fairly interesting at the moment. So I'm trying to decide what I would like to take at college - a diploma in publishing would be highly rewarding but fashion design also has its draws (haha - "draws" - get it?). For one thing, I have this bizarre need to make things with my hands - I like to knit, I've dabbled in making pillows, and my latest craze is quilting (I am three quarters done my first patchwork quilt and it is a sight to behold if I do say so myself). There is also the fact that fashion design sort of runs in the family - my maternal grandmother was a dressmaker herself. She died when I was very young and every time I do anything involving sewing I feel connected to her in some small way. So - publishing or fashion design - these are my current educational plans for the future.

And by the way, when I say future I mean future because I am currently also planning a one year back-packing trip across Europe and Asia which will hopefully end in New Zealand. Of course I need to save a lot of money to be able to go on such a long trip so my plan is to work for a year and save and then travel for a year (meaning my collegial plans will not be bearing fruit for at least 2 years). I've only just begun to plan my route but currently I will begin my expedition by taking a plane to Reykjavik Iceland (exploring there for a day or two) and then taking another plane across to Scotland. I then intend to take in my fill of Scotland and England, cross the Chunnel and from there all of Europe awaits, which for my purposes will currently include France, Spain, Italy, Greece, and Turkey. I plan to take a detour or two through Northern Africa - essentially being Morocco and Egypt. Once all this grandeur has been taken in, if my money will allow I will also see the wonders of Cherapunji India, Australia, and then finally end my journey in New Zealand.

I know it is quite the itinerary but this is my best chance to see the world and I intend to make the most of it. If there is some particular place which you think it is criminal of me to leave out of my plans or you have some expert travel advice please feel free to share your knowledge and opinions.

Now then, on to the next life-changing event/occurrence. Banana #2 and I are no longer together. We had two wonderful years together and I thought we had the rest of our lives to look forward to spending together. In my eyes he was my "grow old with me the best is yet to be" but unfortunately my "best" included children and his did not so we have had to resign ourselves to going our separate ways. I still talk/text with him on occasion but I miss him dearly and all in all I'm feeling very lonely of late. But at least I have plenty of things to occupy my mind with at the present. Once again if you have any thoughts on the sad state of my romantic life please share them with me - my mind is all befuddled with the matter at the moment.

I know there is a lot more going on in my life but at the moment that's all the matters of epic importance that I can remember so consider this update done for now.

Nighty night!

I Do Love A Good Book

This is going to be a really short post, and a longer, life-updating post will be arriving in the near future, but for now I just want to tell the world at large (or at least the few people who read my blog) that there is nothing like a good book to cheer you up.

I just finished reading Post Grad by Emily Cassel and I am slightly ashamed to admit that this is quite possibly the first book I have read cover to cover of my own volition in probably over a year. For quite some time now I've been starting books - maybe even getting half-way into them - and then leaving them on the floor by my bed to collect dust. And it wasn't that they weren't good books - they were great, interesting reads, but for some reason I just couldn't commit long enough. Personally I blame it on school. I remember people telling me how being an English Literature major would take the fun right out of reading (naturally I thought they were insane) but I kind of understand what they were saying now ... although I don't think it's English Literature that's the problem, just university in general. I was so stressed at school and I found that I always felt guilty when I read something for my own pleasure - and now, now I'm free. Beautifully and gloriously free to read whatever I like without even a modicum of guilty feelings! And a book about life not quite going according to plan after graduation was just what I needed (we'll ignore the fact that I didn't actually graduate at the moment).

I'm going to tell you right now that this book was not an amazing piece of literature. It doesn't forge ahead into a new genre, it won't reshape the thought patterns of an entire generation of people, it is purely and simply a fluff piece about life post-university. Things don't start out right but they end right and that's the sort of optimism I want to be hearing right now.

So, feel free to share a story or two of your favourite fluff books and may you all enjoy a warm blanket and a good book just as soon you possibly can!

The Closest Book

I've decided to partake in this new meme going around. I heard about it from Marilyn of The Stair Landing who decided to participate in it.

The rules are as follows:

Open the closest book to you, not your favorite or most intellectual book, but the book closest to you at the moment, to page 56. Write out the fifth sentence, as well as two to five sentences following.

The closest book to me is called The Dreamstone by C.J. Cherryh and I haven't begun it yet so technically I'll be reading ahead a bit to do this meme. lol. The book is a fantasy and it's from the early 80s so I'm not sure what the quality of writing will be like. Here's the selected passage below:

She brought out food of her own store, a gift of trees and bees and whatsoever things felt no hurt at sharing. She gave him a share, and he took it with a desperate dread and hunger.
"It's good," he pronounced quickly and laughed a little, and finished it all. He licked the very last from his fingers, and now there was relief in his eyes, of hunger, of fear, of so many burdens. He gave great sigh and she smiled a warmer smile than she was wont, remembrance of a brighter world.
"Play for me," she wished him.
He played for her then, idly and softly, heart-healing songs, and slept again, for bright day in Ealdwood counseled sleep, when the sun burned its warmth through the tangled branches and brambles and the air hung still, nothing breathing, least of all the wind.

Anyone else who would like to do this meme just follow the rules and let me know so I can come and check it out on your blog!

Happy Canada Day!

Throughout the ages Canada has meant a lot of things to a great many people. To the "first" explorers it was a new world, to generations of immigrants it has been a chance for a new beginning, to the First Nations people who have been here since the beginning it's home - and it is home for me too.

I've lived in Canada my entire life and I often dream about travelling the world and seeing the wonders of different lands and interesting cultures, but when it gets right down to it Canada is the place for me.

There's so much to love about Canada. The artwork of the Group of Seven and Emily Carr, the poetry and writings of Margaret Atwood, Gwendolyn MacEwen and so many others, the forests and lakes, the call of loons right after a midnight storm. There is something in the landscape of Canada that inhabits Canadians, some invisible golden thread that stretches and follows us as we travel and live our lives, that - no matter where we live, visit or are - that connects us to the land where we originated and causes us to forever think of Canada as home ... at least, that's the case for me.

I know Canada has its problems like any other nation in the world but I love this country with every fibre of my being. So I'll leave you with my favourite poem by my favourite Canadian poet:

Dark Pines Under Water
Gwendolyn MacEwen

This land like a mirror turns you inward
And you become a forest in a furtive lake;
The dark pines of your mind reach downward,
You dream in the green of your time,
Your memory is now a row of sinking pines.

Explorer, you tell yourself this is not what you came for
Although it is good here, and green;
You had meant to move with a kind of largeness,
You had planned a heavy grace, an anguished dream.

But the dark pines of your mind dip deeper
And you are sinking, sinking, sleeper
In an elementary world;
There is something down there and you want it told.

Hope

It can be pretty depressing graduating in a recession ... it's even more depressing when you learn that you won't be graduating quite on schedule. I've been in quite a funk over the past few weeks and I imagine I'll be floating in and out of that same funk over the next few weeks as well but for the moment I'm actually starting to feel good about the future.

My summer classes are almost over now and I'm getting ready to move out of this horrible student apartment (nothing is ever quite as bad as student housing) - granted I'm moving back in with my Mum for a bit but that won't be forever and it'll be nice to be near family and friends for a bit, not to mention I'll be closer to Banana #2's work - should get me somewhere around 4 extra hours a weekend with him :D But what I'm really starting to get excited about is my upcoming job hunt.

Everybody is telling me to find whatever little job I can and go from there but I'm determined to try and find the best job I can right from the beginning - how can you ever find a good job if you've already settled before you even start looking? So I've set my sights on finding a job in a publishing house and so far I've found some pretty interesting possibilities. Tomorrow and Tuesday I'm going to start doing some informational interviews with a couple of the companies and I might even have found a lead into one of the publishing houses already and better still it's probably the one that I'm most interested in.

We'll see how things go but for now, well, hope floats and I'm up there floating along on top of it!

Wish me luck!!

Vital Statistics

Pauline from Writing Down the Words recently took part in a new meme making the rounds and asked "who's next?" and I decided to take up the challenge :)

I drive...

Nothing yet, I'm just learning to drive and Banana #2 is teaching me on his Nissan Skyline. It's a standard sportscar - not easy to learn on but lots of fun!

If I have time to myself...

I like to listen to music and stumble around on the internet. I love the sense of community that can be found online.

You wouldn't know it but I'm very good at...

Knitting and sewing though I hardly get the chance to do either anymore.

I'm no good at...

Getting stuff done on time. I procrastinate like crazy but I take solace in the words of Douglas Adams "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

Books that changed me...

The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien
Jeremy Thatcher the Dragon Hatcher by Bruce Coville
The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran
Philadelphia Fire by John Edgar Wideman
Refuge by Terry Tempest Williams
Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
Heralds of Valdemar Trilogy by Mercedes Lackey
and just about every book by Tamora Pierce
more than individual books though I've been changed by individual poems:
Invictus by W.E. Henley
Ulysses by Alfred Lord Tennyson
Dark Pines Under Water by Gwedolyn MacEwen

Movie heaven...

Lord of the Rings
Harry Potter
Waking Life
Pride and Prejudice
That Darn Cat
Funny Face
You've Got Mail
Annie Hall
Atonement
Oscar
Young Frankenstein
Blazing Saddles
Juno
Up
Ballet Shoes
Elizabeth
Ever After
Runaway Bride
and on and on and on

Comfort eating...

Chocolate
Mashed potatoes
Home-made macaroni and cheese
Cake

When I was a child, I wanted to be...

Either a traveller/adventurer/explorer or a writer - I suppose this is why I'm attracted to writing fantasy literature - there are no new worlds to discover and explore so I decided to create my own.

All my (spare) money goes on...

Eating out mostly, we eat out way more than we should. I also like scratch and win tickets and have to pay to do laundry and then there's always that crippling debt to pay off :S

At night I dream of...

Bizarre things. Major themes in my dreams include ravens, crocodiles and nature - mostly forests, lakes, and rivers although I did have an interesting dream that took place in Australia a couple of nights ago.

My favourite buildings...

The Royal Ontario Museum pre-glass-monstrosity, my family's cottage, Champlain College at Trent University

My biggest regret...

Honestly, I can't think of any great regrets. I'm tempted to say deciding to go to university but if I hadn't gone I wouldn't have met Banana #2 or a number of friends so despite the fiasco it turned out to be it has all been worth it.

If I wasn't me I'd like to be...

Someone alive hundreds of years ago when there were still blank spaces on the map.

My favourite works of art...

Fantasy art. Mostly stuff I find stumbling around on the internet.

The current soundtracks of my life...

Built for the Sea
Louis Armstrong
Florence and the Machine
Meiko
Jessica Paige
Reina Boone
all of these artists are on thesixtyone.com - you can check out my favourite songs on there under PAN33

The best inventions ever...

Chocolate, paper, and indoor plumbing are all pretty high up on my list, I'm also rather fond of "moving pictures" - I do love the silver screen :)

So - who's next?

The Thing That Eats

Warning: The following account of my last few miserable days might be too graphic for people with delicate stomachs - it really isn't all that bad, but just in case, I warned you.

I have become the thing that eats and is never full... at least over the last couple of days. I forgot to have dinner on Sunday and then Monday morning I skipped breakfast because I wasn't feeling well and I was in a hurry to catch the bus. I was later grateful that I skipped breakfast because I spewed the entire contents of my stomach all over the bus and then when the driver pulled over, all over the grass as well - thank you motion sickness. I arrived at school, had my brief meeting about my options for the FUTURE (AKA how in the bloody hell am I going to finish my degree now?!) and then joy of joys, rode the bus home. Now at home and feeling thoroughly sick I crawled into bed and did not again arise for several hours. When I did finally get up I made a brave attempt to eat some food which did not go well and once again retreated to my bed for the night.

So now it is Tuesday morning and I wake up feeling ill, probably because I'm hungry but alas because I'm feeling ill the sight of food makes me feel even more ill. Nonetheless, I am aware that I need to eat so I decide to go with something simple and mushy and have some applesauce. At this point I decided to stop at one applesauce snack because now I was REALLY feeling ill and mere minutes later I was flushing the apple sauce I had just eaten down the toilet.

At this point I decide the day is not worth it, take some advil and tylenol and head to bed (I have failed to mention that throughout all this I have been suffering from a very persistant headache - I went to bed with it and I woke up with it). I wake up later in the day and since I am feeling slightly better I venture to eat something real (a broccoli and cheese stuffed breaded chicken breast). It was delicious and I ate it all. But I still wasn't feeling quite full so I ate some soothing arrowroot crackers/cookies (I never really know what they are, only that they are made for babies and I like them when I need comfort food).
Still later in the day I'm feeling that familiar hungry in the stomach feeling so I have a thing of applesauce. Now it is technically Wednesday morning and I'm so hungry/pain in the stomach/feeling very ill again that I have opted to eat some vanilla yoghurt and pray that puts things back to rights. I am the thing that eats and is never full ... somebody save me.

Graduating From Rock to Hard Place

In my About Me section I wrote that I'm on the verge of graduating into life ... now I'm trying to figure out if that graduation has occurred or not. See, when I wrote that I was thinking about my literal graduation from university. I guess I based it on that idea that the "real" world begins where university ends, the thing is, I didn't graduate from university on Wednesday - and I'm devastated.

Just before Christmas I went to see the doctor and was diagnosed with insomnia - big surprise (you kind of know when you have insomnia, you know). Anyway, after the Christmas break I went into see my senior tutor and informed him of the situation and asked for help. Over my final semester I met with my senior tutor more than 10 times, he wrote me leniency letters for my professors, I withdrew from a course late under the advisement of my professor in that class and my senior tutor - everything to no avail. 11% has just kept me from graduating. Two courses, two professors, one department has kept me from graduating. Did I pass the courses? Yes I did. Did I get 60% in them? No I didn't - and apparently that's all that matters. Nevermind that I was sick, nevermind that I did everything I possibly could during the semester to keep my head above water and do the best that I could, nevermind that I was willing to do any extra work over the summer to bring those two grades up to 60% - it would "set a precedence" apparently and that's just to big a risk - imagine being known for being understanding, for helping students, for judging issues on a case by case basis.

So here I am - I should have graduated and I didn't. I now need only two courses and I have no money left to take them - no money left for tuition and certainly no money left for rent and food. So I now need to take a year off and work in some miserable job that makes my brain shrivel up and then go through the absolute Hell that was university again for another whole year. Do I do this? Do I put myself through this Hell again? Do I have a choice? Without a degree all I have is a high school diploma and these days that's not worth much - hell, these days a degree isn't worth all that much either.

There are just so many issues. I really hate university and the prospect of having to go back in a year makes me feel physically ill. Since I've been in university I've had one definite breakdown which landed me in the counselling office, numerous panic attacks and the irony of ironies, I've lost the ability to sleep at night - the exact problem that's landed me in this situation. Then there's the issue of the year in between - it's basically a wasted year. The odds of getting a good job that I actually enjoy are miniscule and then what if I do get such a mythical job - am I supposed to quit it after one year and return to Hell so that I can get a degree that will enable me to get a good job that I will enjoy? That makes sense. If I follow this plan, I delay my life by two years and not just my life but Banana #2's life as well - our life together. I was supposed to be looking for a job now so that we could save for our wedding next year, but I can't save for both a wedding and school. We can't start saving for a really nice apartment or house. And there's also the little matter of getting help fixing whatever the hell is causing my insomnia and panic attacks - yes school and stress contribute but there has to be more to it than that. I need to get driving lessons. There are just so many things now that I have to put off and all because of 11% and bureaucracy.

And I think I could deal with this if I was a bad student, if I genuinely didn't understand the works we were studying but I've never had problems with that. My problem was that I developed insomnia heading into my final semester and all my classes were at 9am. And I think I could deal with all of this even, with them saying they can't do anything to help me out because they have to think about the "integrity of the degree" if I believed that every other person that got a degree actually deserved it. But I kid you not, in one of my English Literature classes, in a university lecture, the professors felt the need to take time out and explain the difference between "its" and "it's" because so many people had confused the two on their last papers. People are getting degrees who don't even know basic English grammar and they're citing "the integrity of the degree" to me as the reason they can't and won't give me a break ... needless to say I'm a little bitter at the moment.

But even more than I'm feeling bitter at the moment, I'm feeling lost. I have no idea what do with myself over the next couple of years. Do I settle for working some miserable job for a year so that I can earn enough cash to finish my degree the following year? Do I say the hell with it and try and get a genuinely good job and forget about the degree? Do I try and save for school and the wedding or do we push the wedding back again? And where in all this do I enjoy life?

I haven't graduated university but I'm fairly certain I just graduated into "real" life. The question is - where do I go from here?

Still Here....Sort Of

I'm not dead - not yet anyway. I'm just in the middle of experiencing a hell of epic proportions. Hopefully I'll have it all sorted out soon and I can get on with life in a productive manner -- which will include the wonderful world of blogging. In the meantime, I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off so as soon as I find my head and the marbles that have no doubt been spilling out of my head I'll be back on here on a regular basis. In the meantime, I'm still fiery and full of energy like the woman/deity/elemental figured above .... or at least I will be when I come out of this.

-- 'til next time

Dancing - Then and Now

First a look at some pretty awesome modern dance - maybe it's just me, but I love this music video by Beyonce:



And now, probably the wildest dancing you will ever see in your life. It's from a 1941 movie called Hellzapoppin' and it features some pretty energetic lindy hop dancers:



And this last video features Al Minns and Leon James doing the charleston ... except in this video the music has been replaced with a daft punk song but it's still really awesome.



It must be so exhilerating to dance like this (and healthy too) ... pardon me, I'm going to go look for classes in swing dancing now ;)

7 Things To Do Before You Die

These are in no particular order ... just so you know:

• play baseball with a tennis ball - you will feel like the strongest person in the world - it's a fantastic feeling!

• try and catch a fish with your bare hands - an alternative would be to try and catch a butterfly with your bare hands .... I'm more inclined towards trying to catch the fish because to my knowledge a fish's scales don't matter to it to the same degree that a butterfly's feet do to it

• give up something for your health - this is obviously hard but you feel amazing and so strong-willed - it's a great boost to your self esteem knowing you can conquer yourself

• make a bucket list - this might seem strange but really it's just goal-setting and goals give you direction - you'll accomplish more if you're striving for things, after all "a man's reach should exceed his grasp or what's a heaven for?"

• love a cat - they'll teach you humility and show you a remarkable depth of character - and they're cute and fuzzy!

• swim in a lake at night - just a remarkable experience; you feel peaceful and at the same time you get a nice little thrill of excitement

• find a consistent way to express yourself - doesn't matter what it is, I'm partial to writing myself but whatever works for you be it painting, knitting, building a car, whatever - just so long as it provides a release for you

So that's my list. I originally intended it to be 10 items but I ran out of steam - if you can think of more to complete the list by all means mention them in the comments section :)

Patience With a Dash of Fairy Dust

The other day I read about the origins of an old nursery rhyme:

sing a song of six pence
a pocket full of rye
four and twenty blackbirds
baked in a pie

The nursery rhyme has more lyrics but apparently it was really a secret way for the pirate Blackbeard to recruit new shipmates. Now I've known for years that nursery rhymes often have strange real world origins but it got me thinking about what the real world ramifications of nursery rhymes and fairy tales actually are. How much do these stories actually impact our lives?

Personally I believe they have a great impact - the literature we read as children (or have read to us) and the stories we're told help to form our personalities and lives not just when we're children but when we're adults too. Now I'm sure we've all at some point pretended to be the hero of our favourite fairy tale or story, whether we were pretending that that carpet in the living room could fly or that we were locked away in a tower waiting for our prince to come. And we've all had those moments too when we wished upon a star and doggonnit it just didn't snow in July so we could have one extra day to study for that test - and it was a great disappointment at the time - all the wind came out of our sails and a little bit of magic left our lives .... but maybe we just weren't waiting long enough for our wishes to be granted.

Let me tell you a little story (it's related - I promise). One day when I was a very young and influential child my older brother and sister and our cousin took me aside. We were very lucky growing up - we lived on a farm and there was always wildlife somewhere or other and they had found a frog just a few feet from our house - just lovely. And they told me that if I kissed that frog it would turn into a prince that would love me forever and ever ... so like any gullible child I kissed it ... and I closed my eyes, waited, and counted to ten. I opened my eyes expecting to see my dashing prince right then and there and all I saw was a disgruntled frog hopping away and some rather cruel relatives enjoying a good laugh at my expense. Little did I know at the time that in the end I'd get the last laugh - 15 years later and my prince has finally come. Banana # 2 came into my life and swept me off my feet.

We're so used to instant gratification in our lives, we forget that sometimes things take time. Sure we quote the sayings "good things come to those who wait" and "patience is a virtue" but how often do we actually practice patience in our day to day lives? But more importantly, maybe if we were a little bit more willing to wait for the good things to arrive we'd realize that there's a lot more magic in our lives than we expected.

So go on, wish upon a star tonight. Put a little bit more magic back into your life - you never know - that wish might just come true.

Who Doesn't Love Mail?

I love mail - it just automatically brightens your day to know that someone spent the time to send you a little something through the mail, to know they went to all that effort to send you a little love (we'll ignore for now that bills also tend to come through the mail). Now combine my love of mail with my love of jewelry and you can imagine how excited I was today when the necklace I won from one of the Two Dog Pond contests finally arrived :D
Above are pictures of the front and back - isn't it lovely?! *blissful sigh*

10 Things That Make Me Happy

I borrowed the idea for this post from Chronicles of a Country Girl. She did her post in an attempt to think positively, I'm doing mine to procrastinate on essays. So here it is - 10 things that make me happy (in no particular order):

• Weddings - There are several churches near my house and one that's directly across from my front door. It's a classic church with a beautiful stone staircase leading up to two great wooden doors - just about every weekend in the summer I see wedding parties posing on the steps or walking in to attend the ceremony and it always fills me with such great joy to get to spy on these little moments. I love the surprise of driving down a street to see a pair of newlyweds going down the street in a horse-drawn carriage.

• Banana #2 lying next to me in bed - My partner is in the military and since he's completing his training and I'm finishing my degree we only get to see each other on weekends. It's such a small thing but it's so nice to feel him lying next to me - it makes me feel safe and whole - I guess it makes sense that I sleep better when he's home.

• the King Hellion - For all that Bagheera terrorizes my hands and feet on a daily basis I love the little devil to death. Nothing is as comforting as the purr of a cat when you're feeling down and nothing can quite cheer you up like a playful kitten. He's my constant companion and when I'm feeling lonely during the week and Banana #2 is away on base, I hold my kitty tight, listen to his purr and if nothing else, feel a little less lonely.

• waffles with strawberries and ice cream - There is this magnificent little restaurant a couple of blocks from my house, and while they do have a variety of dishes on their menu i always end up ordering the same thing - it's a magnificent giant waffle covered in strawberry compote, fresh cut strawberries and vanilla ice cream ... makes me smile just thinking about it - yum!

• chocolate - Just about any kind, any time, any where.

• books - I love books. I love everything about them. I love the way they feel, the way they smell, that thrill of getting a book you've been waiting months for, that contented feeling when you finish a good book, the joy of re-reading a book and finding it just as good as the first time you read it. I love the places they take me and the dreams they inspire.

• Good storytellers - Some people have this gift and I envy them - they're just natural born storytellers. You know these people, they tell a great joke and they can turn any mundane event into a magnificent yarn. I love listening to these people - they make day to day life more enjoyable.

• walking in the woods - All my life I can remember going for walks in the woods. Our excuse was always to take the dog out of the town for a bit - just about every weekend we'd pile into the car with the dog and head out into the forest. It's so relaxing, I bet even my heart slows down to enjoy the rustling of the leaves or the creak of the pine trees.

• When my hair looks nice - This might seem a little vain but it's such an effort to actually do something with my hair that when I do decide to put a little effort in I feel so good about it. I have really nice natural curl and it's just fun to play with sometimes - and the compliments are always nice too ;)

• Getting just the right amount of sleep - I think this makes everyone happy but it's especially true for me being an insomniac. I'm almost always tired and either not getting enough sleep or sleeping for 15 hours at a time, but when you get just the right amount and you wake up feeling well-rested and energized that's a great feeling!

I'm a Winner!

No seriously, I am. For a couple of months now I've been following the weekly contests over at Two Dog Pond, but I've always been too shy to actually participate. Last week it just felt right and I entered my two cents into the contest for the first time and much to my delight I was selected as one of the winners! My necklace gets sent in the mail tomorrow (today I guess) and I'll post a pic of it when it finally arrives :D

I Dream of Dreams

You know for all the criticism that J.K. Rowling sometimes receives about her writing, I think she really deserves some credit. I can't tell you the number of times I've found her words resonating in my mind - months, now even years since I've read some of her books. And what always amazes me about some of the things she says in her books is how wise she must be, especially when it comes to things Dumbledore says (seriously, I am in awe of how wise she must be - either she is freakishly wise or she has a very special muse speaking through her .... but the idea of where writing comes from is another post altogether).

Take this gem for example: 'It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.'

In the book when Dumbledore says this he's really speaking about our heart's greatest desires, dreams in that sense, but for me, for me I have to heed this advice when it comes to my actual night-time dreams. Not all of my dreams of course are so fascinating and enjoyable that I run the risk of forgetting to live of course, but some of them - I don't know, there's just something about them. Some quality that isn't present in most other dreams ... it's this sensation that they leave me with - I can hardly describe it. In my whole life so far I can only think of 4 or 5 dreams that had this affect on me - but how they captivate me! I remember these dreams so vividly, I can remember the intense colours and the feelings of wonder or absolute peace that they brought me.

One in particular brings me such a sense of calm - it's so simple, I'm simply in a small boat (a canoe or rowboat) and I'm in the middle of this lake just floating round and round in circles and the water is still, so magnificently still and the sky is perfectly and completely reflected in the water - an endless blue sky with those small white puffy clouds that go on and on - and there's no telling where the water ends and the sky begins and I'm just there floating in the centre.... content, at peace.

And I think about these dreams all the time and I just want so desperately to have another one - 4 or 5 times in 21 years just seems too short a frequency to experience such beauty. I want more, I want to feel this way every night.

Sometimes I think I'm becoming obsessed with my dreams and I wonder what causes this. Is this desire somehow a reflection on my "real" life? What do these dreams mean? Am I so obsessed with them of late because of my insomnia? Do they evade me because of these stressful periods?

What is with these dreams? Have you ever had dreams that leave you with a similar feeling? What are your thoughts on why we dream the things we do and why some dreams just stay with us?

These Locks Still Have Some Bite

Medusa indeed. When I was a child my Dad used to call me Medusa - his idea of humour, but it should give you some idea as to the wildness of my hair. I'm of mixed parentage which makes for A LOT of curly hair and when I was a child it was completely unmanageable. I ended up having to get it relaxed at a fairly young age, relatively speaking (if you don't know much about relaxing hair, it can be kind of risky if done at too young an age, and by risky I mean your hair could fall out). Anyways, for years I'd get my hair relaxed every couple of months and that kept it manageable (more or less). Then a couple of years ago I decided I wanted to go back to my natural curl and I let the relaxed hair at long last grow out and go away.

At first it wasn't so bad, I found a salon that specialized in curly hair and they showed me how to tame my wild locks. But of late I've found that original wildness starting to return. You need proof? All right, let's set up a challenge - my curly hair vs. a boar-bristle brush .... guess who came out on top. I couldn't believe it - my hair triumphed over a boar-bristle brush - I mean, have you seen boars? - they're pretty tough looking dudes! (see picture to your right).

In hindsight though - this is my own fault - I did want to go back to my natural self - grow it, release the wild --- phrase it however you like - it doesn't change the fact it takes me half an hour to sort out my hair in the shower. But the weird thing is, even after all this trouble and nonsense - I still love my curls. I love the way they twist around, I love the way they bounce, I love the way they frame my face. But now I'm coming up to decision time - what will I do with my hair for my wedding? Leave the curls or straighten it? On the one hand - natural beauty is the best beauty - on the other, straight hair is more controllable - I could have an up-do! Anyone want to weigh in on this choice?

And there was actually a point to all this rambling about hair, I swear. My question is this - how much do you think someone's hair is a part of their identity? Can hair change a person?

sleepless

That last post was kind of depressing so here's a related comic I found to lighten the mood :) I found it at this site http://www.phdcomics.com/comics/archive.php?comicid=1079
Enjoy!